I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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