Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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