In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
