His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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