I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
