broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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