Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
