Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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