Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
