Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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