Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
