What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
