his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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