The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
