I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
