I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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