I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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