One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
