A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
