After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
