I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
