I wish I could teleport
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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