why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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