I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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