Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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