if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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