Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
