I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
