Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
