Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
