I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
