I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
