You smell like stripper and shame
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
