dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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