I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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