I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
