he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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