As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
