cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize