I am puke
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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