I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
