what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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