Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
