come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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