Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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