Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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