i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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