Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
