I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
