I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
