i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
