I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize