They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
