I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
