hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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