Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found the puke drawer
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
