I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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