I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize