in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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