I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
