Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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