i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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