You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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