1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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