i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
