Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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