Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize