too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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