I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dear god my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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