I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
